Ten people who shouldn’t move to Nigeria as compiled by Clementine Wallop

Clementine Wallop(@cwallop) lives in Abuja, Nigeria. She compiled a list of people, she says, should never move to Nigeria. Read below and see if you fall into any of it:

That Nigeria is a hostile environment for expats I will contest. That Nigeria is for everyone, I can’t: it’s complicated, noisy, it’s occasionally chaotic and on the wrong day even Job’s patience would have worn thin. Here are ten sorts of people who shouldn’t move to Nigeria:

1.The impatient
Oh, my friend, you will wait. You will wait for the doctor, for work meetings, for friends to arrive for drinks. And it won’t be five minutes or ten, it’ll be an hour, two hours, maybe three. Maybe it’ll never happen. If you can’t wait, you can’t be here – sorry o.

2.The germ phobic
If the very sight of a suya grill, much less the piles of rubbish on many roads in Nigeria’s major cities, will be enough to have you reaching for the hand sanitizer and rubber gloves, look elsewhere. Try Singapore instead, or better still, don’t leave the house.

3.Not so cuddly characters
The average Nigerian handshake is long, considered and more obviously heartfelt than its efficient British counterpart. This is a place that likes a hug, a held hand, a biff on the shoulder. If you need a good acre of personal space and get stressed just thinking of the Tube, this Nigeria is not for you.

4.Lovers of logic
Nigeria is where you will learn that not everything happens for a reason, and if it does then the reason isn’t a reason you couldn’t have predicted in millennia of running probabilities. We’re not in Switzerland anymore, Toto.

5.The uninventive expat
There will be days where you find yourself fixing a showerhead with a hairtie or hacking the kitchen doorknob off with a meat cleaver because you’re locked in (yes, this is us). Don’t be precious, do be creative: Brownies, Scouts and fans of MacGyver will flourish.

6.The funny bone free
Something extremely funny happens almost hourly in Nigeria. Many times it’ll be on the back of something extremely annoying. If you can’t see the former for the latter, life will be tough and you will spend your days in a rage.

7.Solo artists…
You want to sit and have a quiet drink by yourself? No chance, regardless of whether you’re on a plane, in the nail salon, in a taxi or waiting (and waiting) in the doctor’s surgery. Why sit in silence when you could be striking a deal or forming a friendship?

8.…and those who get easily lonely
Compound life, a feature for many expats in Abuja and Port Harcourt, can be isolating. Especially if you’re moving without a partner, you need to be socially sure of yourself, and also not to mind being dragged into a world of gossip that makes Ambridge look cosmopolitan.

9.App addicts
Your phone will not always work. Your internet may (like mine) crash between ten and 20 times a day. You might not be able to make time to pay for your monthly Wi-Fi in person. There will be days offline. Those unable to handle the digital detox had better stay away.

10.The unadventurous
Nigeria is not the country you might fear from newspaper horror stories, but you need to be comfortable with a good whack of the unexpected every day, whether it’s food so spicy you’ll think your guts are in meltdown or roads that feel more Mad Max than M25.